I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
