She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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