i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Randomize
