he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
