I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
