i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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