You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
