There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
