I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
