i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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