girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize