My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
