Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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