I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
