Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
