8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
