I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
