An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
