You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
