omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
