NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
