I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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