best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
