I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
