Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
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