All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize