question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
