new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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