mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
