Pappa wants mamma naked
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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