I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
