if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
