i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
