omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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