Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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