We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
