then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize