I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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