Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
