The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
