Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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