God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize