its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
