So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
