The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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