the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
