Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
