Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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