my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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