I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
