MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Randomize
