I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
