mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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