after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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