Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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