You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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