Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
