Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
