uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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