im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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