8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
